Replicate: A Blog Entry From the Future.

I can not believe this has happened. And on my birthday too. What a pain in the arse.

I was laying in bed this morning, sleep mask firmly in place and I heard the weirdest noise. At first I thought it was the bed’s engine again. Stupid hoverbeds are supposed to be the best thing you can buy, if you have a bad back, which I do because of my job, but the damn motor is always cutting in and out and it sounds like a bag of feral cats with whooping cough. It does have lovely brass finials to make up for the ugly noise. I digress.

I was laying in bed this morning, and the gurgling that woke me up can only be classified as apocalyptic. I shoved my sleep mask back, slanted my eyes open, picked yesterday’s mascara out of the corner of my eye and sat up in bed. Wobbly-eyed, I spent 5 minutes watching the dawn light lay rosy slats of color across my powerblanket, hoping if I ignored it the sound would just stop. No such luck. I hummed Happy Birthday under my breath as I buttoned my shirt all the way down, shoved my feet into my boots and prepared to do battle with the recalcitrant bed-engine again. Then, I smelled it.

It smelled like decay of the worst kind. It smelled heavy, and wet. It smelled..foodish. “oh no oh no oh no…” I dashed into my kitchen and there it was, laying apologetically on the tile floor, oozing towards my boots.

The replicator has had some sort of serious midlife crisis. I know you’re supposed to update the damn things every 6 months, but the syncing takes SO LONG. I just can’t bear to spend 3 hours updating the software only to have all my favorite foods recipes erased. I have at least 4 folders just for appetizers! I can not bear it. Especially wasn’t going to risk it because oh, right, tonight is my birthday and I had ALL THE FOOD PREPROGRAMMED!

Double ugh.

I grabbed the minivac and did the best I could, but the smell is pretty pervasive. Ike is up on the roof as we speak, hand cranking open all the ceiling vents. Looks like we’re having an indoor/outdoor party tonight. I started the update of the poor replicator three and a half hours ago, and it’s only 73% done, and the damn “buffering” screen has been stuck for about 45 minutes. I should probably reboot the whole system and start over, but I can not take that much annoyance on my birthday. It’s bad enough that I have to cook today. Real food. I know, right? It’s barbaric! No replicator. ON MY BIRTHDAY.

Luckily I’m one of the four people I know who actually has a functioning kitchen. Thank God I’m a chef.

I’m going to need new boots.

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About Jennifer James

I'm a full time mom who works full time. I'm a painter, a dreamer, and a believer that the most feminist thing you can do is adore your femininity. I say what I think, when it's appropriate for sharing. I write when I feel like I have something to say. I love always.

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