Only Girls are Skinny.

This is a picture of me when I was 17 years old. I was dancing hours and hours and hours a week, then doing theatre and school and having things like a metabolism.

This is me currently. 9 years later, two babies later, and living in a climate where you can not go outside to work out half the year, because you will burn, or freeze. Also, Jackson and John are also in this picture. Both of whom are so skinny I could not put their size pants on if you put a gun to my head. I helped John’s wife Tracie fold some laundry a few weeks ago, and I didn’t fold a single pair of jeans that I would fit into. Or even get over my calf muscles, for that matter.

What’s my point? I’ll tell you.

I used to be thin. I am not thin now. Yes, I’ve had two kids, yes I am nursing the baby exclusively and also pumping extra milk for others. Yes, blah blah blah. I’m not fishing for compliments, tonight I’m frustrated.

And if anyone posts a comment saying how breastfeeding makes you lose weight I shall be sorely vexed. Thank you.

My point is, I do not like the way I am shaped. Especially right now, while writing this blog. And what is the point of having a blog if I can’t blog about how I feel?

However, I am also a stress eater. Being a mom is stressFULL. You put two and two together and you get 173. Pounds. My height is meant to be about 140. 136 is the low end of a healthy BMI for my height.

I want to lose it. I want it to go away. Not tomorrow, not when my son is weaned. NOW.

Not going to happen. To feed a baby, you have to eat. To have enough milk for multiple babies (I pump extra for other moms) you have to EAT. A doctor once told me “a woman’s body doesn’t fully develop until she’s had children.” It gives me a ray of hope. However, when Aaron’s pants don’t fit me, it’s a tad depressing. So I eat. Did I mention that women in my family genetically store fat in our torso’s? I have skinny arms and a spare ring of blubber, for the winter? Like a seal?

This blog is not going to come to a resoundingly hopeful ending where I pledge to eat vegan and run whilst pushing a stroller. I’m just bored with being a size 14. I would like my size 6 pants back, thank you very much. I would especially like them back before I go to Seattle this Christmas, and stand near my mom and sister, who both work out with a trainer and are literally half my size.

Then I remember how sick formula made Caden. I weaned him when he was 5 months, and my P90X working out and weight watchers dieting (even with the extra points they give nursing moms) caused my milk supply to dissapear. How I wore a towel as a cape for months because every time we bottle fed him he’d projectile vomit.

I looked at Riker while he was nursing tonight, and pinched his little leg rolls of fat. Food from me made those little fat rolls. Outside of half an ounce at the hospital, Riker has never had formula. Riker barely ever throws up, and never has gas or stomach problems. That’s the balm for my ego when I put Aaron’s jeans on just to see if they button, finally. My healthy baby.

I’m thankful for a healthy milk supply and a baby who is thriving, but man oh man, tonight I’d like to be thin.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Misc by Jennifer James. Bookmark the permalink.

About Jennifer James

I'm a full time mom who works full time. I'm a painter, a dreamer, and a believer that the most feminist thing you can do is adore your femininity. I say what I think, when it's appropriate for sharing. I write when I feel like I have something to say. I love always.

4 thoughts on “Only Girls are Skinny.

  1. i hear you. and appreciate your candor. and feel much like you do. πŸ™‚ i used to fit in my husband’s jeans as well, and though i’m proud of what my body has accomplished, i sure do miss being able to fit into things as easily as before… that doctor’s comment was rather encouraging, though. and probably rather true. darin tells me often that he finds the “extra” strangely appealing. i guess it’s the child-bearing hips, who knows, but so long as he still likes me, i reckon we’re good to go.

  2. Hey there.. great blog!! I had two kids 363 days apart so you can imagine the pounds i NEVER lost before i got pregnant again! i know suggestions aren’t always what a woman’s looking for (and can keep you feeling like your walking in circles) but i just want to suggest the blood type diet.. i cringed when i first heard it b/c the word, diet was at the end of it but with a little encouragement from a physician i looked into it. it’s so flexible that my children (5 & 6 ) also have benefited from this. blessings and peace! Emily

  3. Way to be honest, chica! I feel your frustration, surely I do. I have also found breastfeeding to be a greatly vexing thing in that you have a bottomless appetite, and, even though you are ostensibly burning additional calories every day, you cannot seem to lose weight no matter what you do.

    I just keep telling myself that I’ll lose weight when Aidan no longer uses me as a squishy comfy place to rest his head when he gets sleepy after nursing.

  4. At the end of the day, I would rather be thicker with a healthy baby then skinny and not produce milk my child needs. I like that my body is good at it’s job, I just wish I was thin in the process. It’s just a season though, and trust me, no one around here is complaining about the way I look other than me.

    I am lucky enough to work with a great trainer who set me a wonderful calorie index to stay between. IF I followed it, I would lose a pound a week and my milk supply would remain unaffected. I’m just too lazy or stressed to care. If I could start caring, I would lose weight more effectively.

    I’ll probably start caring soon. Sigh. Just in time for nice, loose winter clothes. πŸ™‚

Speak to me...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s