Memory is a weird thing. Think back to the first thing you remember. For me, it’s the birth of my sister. Specifically going to the park with my Auntie Lorie, while my mom went to the hospital to have Meghan. I remember visiting mom and Megs at the hospital. I was about 3 years old.
That means there is 3 years of my life that I can’t recall at all. Which, I think, it the mercy of the Lord on parents. At least, that’s how I feel about my kids.
When I get super frustrated, or don’t know what to do to make Kid #1 or Kid #2 stop crying, it’s important to remember that they are not going to remember. They will be impacted by me, that’s for sure, but they won’t really remember. That’s both helpful and scary.
Lately it’s been a real rough go here at the James’ Household. Caden continues to have a hard time emotionally on a day to day basis. I’m doing all I can for him, to reassure him and let him know he’s loved. And from there on, he’s going to have to figure it out himself. I mean, I’m only human. But I’m a human who cares, and I’m hoping that’s what my sons will remember.
I’ve also been thinking back to life when Caden was Riker’s age. I am way braver now than I was then. I take Riker more places, I don’t freak out as much about nursing in public, or having to change a blown out diaper. Or any diaper for that matter. I used to to feed/change/burp then rush on my errands and hopefully get back home before any of those things needed to happen again. Now I am much more go with the flow. It’s nice.
I am trying to remember life before kids. I know it was quieter, but I don’t think it was better. Yes I lose sleep and don’t know when my next shower or quiet meal will happen, but I have tiny copies of the man I love most in life. Even if they do scream, they are mostly quiet and sweet and joyful bundles of tiny energy. I love being a mom. So when I look back at this crazy period of super-emotional Caden and newborn baby chaos, that’s what I hope I remember.
I love this.