Really Questioning.

Some days I really question if I’m a good parent or not. Which probably means I’m doing ok, since I think bad parents probably don’t care enough to stop and ask themselves if they are being bad parents or not. I’d imagine.

I don’t know if anyone noticed, but I am 35 weeks pregnant. This means that lifting Caden is extremely painful for my hips and lower back. As in, I can NOT lift him without throwing out my hip and painfully having to waddle the rest of the day. I hate this. There is nothing more pathetic than a tiny person with big sad eyes following you around crying with his hands in the air. And did I mention he’s in some weird phase where he insists on being carried EVERYWHERE?

I am going through my day feeling like a puppy torturer.

I make sure to bend down and give him big hugs, and tell him I love him and then offer to hold his hand while we walk somewhere. This leads to fit pitching of seismic proportions, then biting, usually of some sensitive part of my leg. We are conquering this with lots of time outs (the only punishment that works for Caden) and stern talking-to’s.

I am exhausted, and feeling like a puppy torturer isn’t helping the situation. For the last two days I’ve called my mom crying, asking her if I am indeed a puppy torturer. The answer is no, I am not. It’s just one of those thing’s babies have to learn: they don’t always get what they want.

I think that’s a song.

Though it’s not all bad lately, just challenging. He’s at this stage where he’s learned to sign please, so he signs it and points to EVERYTHING, then gets upset (see above fit pitching escalation explanation) when you don’t hand it to him. It’s hard to explain to a 16 month old that just because you say please, doesn’t mean you get handed things like the hot hair straightener, or the bleach.

Caden is also learning to say words like “graham cracker” which is about the cutest thing ever. “Mommy” still eludes him, but he manages graham cracker just fine! Hilarious boy priorities.

Tonight Caden and I went for a walk and found a great park with a sweet play area and a walking trail, literally around the corner from our house. Aaron will be taking the boys on many away missions to the park this summer, I am thinking. It was a bit cold outside tonight, but the sun was out, so OUT we went!

I am loving this new house because it’s making me so productive. Instead of everything being jammed in one area, like my art stuff in the kitchen or the bills in my bedroom, everything has it’s own place. I can make art without looking at a sink full of dishes. I can read my Bible without staring at the tv. It’s done amazing things for my productivity level. There is also much more in this house to clean. I am taking it day by day.

Ordered the stuff for my birth kit today! A birth kit is the supplies I need to have in my house when I give birth to Riker the Fantastic. Washed the towels and sheets, made the order for the sterile supplies, and thought to myself, “wow, I’m having a baby soon! I’m going to have another person to keep alive, and love on, and take cute pictures of and send them to my family!”

If there’s one thing I don’t have to question, it’s how much I love my babies.

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About Jennifer James

I'm a full time mom who works full time. I'm a painter, a dreamer, and a believer that the most feminist thing you can do is adore your femininity. I say what I think, when it's appropriate for sharing. I write when I feel like I have something to say. I love always.

2 thoughts on “Really Questioning.

  1. i think we all question if we are good parents. i do it every single day. the best advice i have ever gotten was to just love them. know that you will love them no matter what.
    hang in there!

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