Toxify your body!

I have a very beautiful, very knowledgeable internet friend who offers amazingly helpful advice on nutrition, health, cleansing and detoxing your physical self.

Often we people need help cleaning out the junk we’ve pumped into our systems in one way or another. As you all know, I’ve been trying very hard to lose my baby weight (I.E. The weight Caden gave me, not the weight I was born with) plus 10 pounds or so. It’s been a long road of learning to eat well, exercise HARD (bring it!) and detox my body.

You know what I’ve learned? The toxifying is way more fun than detoxing. I mean, if your options are carrot soup or a brownie, any red blooded woman knows what to choose. Right? Riiiight???

So, in lieu of it being REAL late, Aaron being gone and an empty carton of Ben and Jerry’s sitting next to me, I offer you my favorite ways to Toxify.

*please note, I am not condoning or supporting treating your body poorly, I’m being funny cuz I’m tired.

– Eat Ben and Jerrys (any flavor) one FULL pint at a time. Half pints get you nowhere, and if you don’t finish it, you’re a failure.

– Think your food is good? Add a tablespoon of salted butter. BAM! Just got better.

– Support the dairy industry. Drink very WHOLE milk. Also, ask for added growth hormones. Milk makes you big and strong!

– You’ve been told to eat more green. I’m telling you to eat more hot pink.

-More salt is more better. Extra toxic bonus points if you can get your feet and hands to swell up.

– Instead of going running, go to your favorite walking trail and lay down right in the middle. Extra points if a cyclist falls trying to avoid you.

– I challenge you to avoid eating anything that’s a fraction. Quarter pounders, bad. Full pound(ers?) good. Plus you just smoosh the pound of ground beef right from the package, no more wasting time forming hamburger into patties!

– Chocolate chip cookie dough goes with everything. Put it on your bread, rub it in your hair, eat it with your cereal.

– Question, why does fruit go bad in two days, but a twinkie lasts a life time? Do you want to die in two days? No? Better off eating the twinkie.

– Think waffles are great? Try them with Crisco spread on top. They’ll slide right through your system. Bet you don’t even digest it.

– Drinking out of a glass is so 1980. Try drinking your soda out of a bucket. Use a swirly straw if you want to feel fancy!

Alright, I don’t want to overload you with health tips. Plus I’m exhausted. So you rest up tonight, I’m going to eat a buttered waffle before Aaron gets home to stop me. 🙂

For legitimate and insanely helpful tips on how to improve your health, check out my friend Amanda’s blog at

This entry was posted in Misc by Jennifer James. Bookmark the permalink.

About Jennifer James

I'm a full time mom who works full time. I'm a painter, a dreamer, and a believer that the most feminist thing you can do is adore your femininity. I say what I think, when it's appropriate for sharing. I write when I feel like I have something to say. I love always.

4 thoughts on “Toxify your body!

  1. Any chance you’ll be offering a group class on this soon? Toxifying is ten times as fun when you’re eating hot pink Ben & Jerry’s TOGETHER.

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